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Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
My house has really let itself go.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food