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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.