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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.