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I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...