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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.