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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!