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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.