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What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Warning: I just get weirder.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?