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first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Gym update: not there
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.