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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.