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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…