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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Your personality needs alcohol.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business