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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.