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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...