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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic