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“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(