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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.