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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.