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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Personally, I think failure should be an option
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.