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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?