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Attention fuels immaturity
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.