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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?