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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.