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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....