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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
How to make a Vodka Christmas cake. . (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be... sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".