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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour