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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”