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They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.