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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.