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Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
We get it poets: things are like other things
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
This day needs more yesterday.