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Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list