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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
Do bees even have knees?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.