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I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave