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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things. ;) Just Sayin`
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.