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Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
“I saw that.” -Karma
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?