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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.