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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.