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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.