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It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.