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The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.