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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
My IQ? ... With google or without?