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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.