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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.