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The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.