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In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch