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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Reincarnation is my only hope.