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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?