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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.