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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness