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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.