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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.