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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.