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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
I put the hot in psychotic.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....