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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?