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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of