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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?