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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.