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I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late