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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.