Daily Silly Status

Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.

I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG

I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)

I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."

I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.

Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.

Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?

I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas

If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.

The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.