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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.